Greetings, children! My name is Martha. I am a certified medium with many, many decades of experience and wisdom that I would like to impart upon you all, my subjects.
I had the fortune of meeting a gifted (and dashing! kekekeke) young trainer named Ash Ketchum in Ecruteak City at the turn of the century. I then had the pleasure of seeing him from afar a few months ago and realised that he looked eerily similar to how he did more than fifteen years ago – still as young, as youthful and as devilishly handsome as ever. Blasphemy, I thought, for a boy to avoid aging! So I devoted the last two months of my life to finding his secret to never aging, and I finally have answers.
FACT: Ash Ketchum engaged in a battle with the Legendary Pokémon Mewtwo and Mew.
Most ordinary people don’t remember this battle, but I do. It was the Battle of the Century, a slog between the Clones and the Legitimates. I vividly remember hearing about Ash dashing out to stop the battle between Mewtwo and Mew, and getting caught up in the crossfire. The sort of damage one gains from a Psyshock launched by Mew and a Psystrike sent from Mewtwo? You can’t just sleep that off. That sort of damage changes you.
FACT: The damage from this attack caused Ash’s DNA to mutate.
The Real Truth Behind Pokémon Moves written by an unknown scientist describes Psyshock as “a move of unbelievable power that warps the air around a Pokémon”. A Psyshock coming from a weak Pokémon would be expected to do that sort of thing. But coming from a Mew, the most powerful Pokémon in the world? Psyshock wouldn’t just warp the air around a Pokémon, but alter DNA as well.
The dramatic and rapid altering of Ash’s DNA caused his body to shut down and temporarily turn to stone until his DNA had settled. Some say he woke up due to the power of tears, but that’s Grumpigwash. Crying doesn’t solve anything. Do you think I got to the powerful position I am in today by crying?
FACT: Part of Mew’s DNA was transferred to Ash.
It wasn’t just that Ash’s DNA mutated – it accepted part of Mew’s
DNA during this mutation process. Jillian T. Fig of Solaceon Town, Sinnoh, describes this process as “acceptutation”. Mew’s Pokédex entry explains its ability to “make itself invisible at will”. This ability is located in its DNA.
This part of Mew’s DNA, which allows it to make itself invisible, was involved in the acceptutation process. This means that Ash’s DNA now has this ability too.
FACT: Ash can therefore make his Aging Genome invisible at will.
Humans have what is known as an Aging Genome. It is what controls the aging process. Humans with large Aging Genomes age at a comparatively faster rate than those with smaller Aging Genomes, such as myself (as you can tell). Through the acceptutation process, Ash gained the ability to make his Aging Genome invisible.
FACT: When you cannot see something, it does not exist.
This is a simple law of physics. If something cannot be seen, it does not exist. By making his Aging Genome invisible, Ash’s Aging Genome therefore does not exist. Without an Aging Genome, Ash can no longer age and will forever remain at the youthful age he currently is.
The sneaky little boy thought he could cover up his secret, but I always get to the bottom of things! When you see the truth, it all makes so much sense. It has nothing to do with a wish he cast upon Ho-oh when he left Pallet Town – who would suggest such a thing? Ho-oh lives in my beloved Ecruteak City and would never leave to Kanto, and anyway, wishes don’t come true. You just need to accept the truth that Ash doesn’t age due to his DNA mutating when he was struck by Mew’s Psyshock, granting him the ability to make his Aging Genome invisible and thus halting his aging process forever. Don’t delude yourself with any of the other lies out there.
Edited by bobandbill and Jake.
Cover image by Charlie Brown.
Assets within it and images within the article courtesy of The Pokémon Company.