Opinions and Stories

Hisuian Pokémon accused of favouritism

Some Pokémon were jealous of the new evolutions, while others just wanted to be in the game in the first place.

This year’s conference of the ‘Mons has been interrupted by a series of arguments and battles, as reported by our insider Kon Spikooes. Several Pokémon have been disgruntled by the allocation of New Form(e)s and Evolutions in this year’s new hit title, where players have taken delight at jumping out of the grass at Pokémon rather than the other way around.

It all started when Pinsir accused Scyther of paying off Game Freak devs. “Why always him? I was going to get an evolution in the Johto games, but when it came to release, only Scyther did. I finally got a Mega Evolution, but so did Scizor, and guess which gimmick went away since then?? And now Kleavor got added. Where’s my permanent evolution, if Scyther gets two of them?”

“Oh shut up, you couldn’t even beat a Metapod in the anime,” Kleavor had replied.

Pikachu, head of all Mascot Matters, tried to interject, but instead of speaking in its usual “Pika-pi” gibberish, found it could only make electric buzzes and screeches. This had only prompted more outrage from certain Pokémon, who pointed out Pikachu never had to worry about missing a game, especially since the Pokédex cuts moving forward being confirmed for the upcoming generation nine games as well.

“Well, maybe it’s not the worst,” Zorua cried. “I’m now effectively dead! Did you see the backstory they came up for me? “Zorua perished, unable to survive the harsh Hisuian environment and strife with other Pokémon. Their lingering souls were reborn in this Ghost-type form”. I wanted the limelight, but not like this!”

“I’m pretty happy,” Overqwil said quietly, having finally benefitted from a new evolution.

“Yeah, but you’re too damn big now!” another retorted. “You keep poisoning others with your oversized spikes!”

Paras will destroy you, your children, and everything you every loved.

At that point, someone had accidentally stepped on Paras, who Stun Spored everyone and followed with and brought an end to the meeting. Nobody is quite sure why it was so angry now, but no reporter on our team was brave enough to ask it why. Instead, we were able to get some individual comments from other Pokémon who gained new evolutions in the games.

Sneasler seemed rather on edge to us. “I feel, frankly, confused. First, I’ve had a radical overhaul – my typing has changed so much! Who am I? It was hard enough with my various redesigns in generation two, and I even had colour changes in later games. Now I’ve had a form that’s not even Ice type? I was quadruple weak to Fighting attacks, but I am now a Fighting type. Everything I touch now withers from poison, not frostbite. It’s just overwhelming. But even worse?” It took a few deep breaths and shuddered. “I’ve, uh, I’ve seen the fanart. I don’t recommend you see it. Please.” A Toxicroak nearby rolled its eyes at us, evidently annoyed its unique typing was no longer something special.

Typhlosion seemed much happier, and was remarkably calm during our brief conversation, if a bit spaced out. It was happy with his flames around its neck and kept showing the cool tricks involving them. The two other Starter Pokémon were much quieter, and seemed to favour muttering about how much edgier and cooler they were now. Meanwhile, the original Sinnoh Starters complained to us on being passed over for a new evolution and further attention in their home region, although admitted they were glad to at least be in the game as well, unlike nearly 700 other Pokémon.

Palkia and Dialga were not available for comment on their new Formes, which were diversive. Arceus did however laugh when asked his input into their Origin designs, saying “I don’t know, I guess they looked funny. It was almost as funny as what I did to that Subway chap, taking him from his home and dumping him in a new time period and region with no memory. Ah, I love messing with you fools like that.”

Edited by Aldo and Arcaneum.