The Pokémon anime will have to fill some very large child-sized shoes next season, for its leading star Ash Ketchum has announced a shock retirement from the series in a press conference today.

“I know it will be sad news for all those young and old fans alike,” said Ash. “I would be sad too, but well, I have a lot of money now, even more than Gary. So, you know, I’ll be fine.”

When pressed on why he is quitting, Ash said “I just have gotten too tired of it all, you know? It’s been over twenty years and all I have to show for it are a bunch of Pokémon. Some I couldn’t evolve for ages because of merchandising, others I had to release… and I never did get to catch them all. Was that song just a lie? And then all those league losses! I swear, the writers kept pulling things to ensure I don’t have a major win. ‘Oh no, my Charizard decides to have a nap.’ ‘Oh look, that guy with dumb hair has a Darkrai and a Latios.’ ‘Alain’s Charizard has some overpowered Mega form too.’ That sort of thing wears you out.”

“Besides, I just need some time to relax and grow up. I’ve barely aged a year and I’ve trekked multiple regions! But the final straw leading to my decision was finding out I have to be in the remake of the first movie again. You know what happened in that? I died. I have to do that all over again? No thank you. That really hurts.”

His Pikachu has confirmed that it will stay on the show. “I don’t care whose shoulder I have to sit on, as long as I remain front and centre of the series again,” Pikachu said while sipping from a cocktail. “I couldn’t believe the focus Greninja had back in the previous season. I draw the line on selling out and looking like some kid, personally. And hey, getting Ryan Reynolds to voice you is pretty cool!”

Speculation has since grown on who will be the next lead for the Pokémon anime series. The popular choice is Gary Oak, who still has more cheerleader fans than Ash, while nobody is hoping for Tracey Sketchit. Who do you think should replace Ash?

Edited by Aldo, Janna and Rabinov.